I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
