I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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