Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize