best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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