Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
