I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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