so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
