so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
You smell like stripper and shame
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
