I heard we made out
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
