I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
