i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
