He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
