Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
