thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
