i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
