peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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