you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
