Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
All the doctor said was why
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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