Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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