P.S. I can't hear my feet
my shit smells like andre
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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