New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
