Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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