if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize