the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
