He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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