My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
