i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
