She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Randomize
