Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
