you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
