I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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