after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
