Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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