I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
