the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
