Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
