have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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