my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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