glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
