It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
