What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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