at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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