Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
