Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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