my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
don't judge my taste in strippers
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
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