I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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