So drunk its hurt
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
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Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
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The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize