her facebook's as public as her vagina
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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