Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
