I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
me + whiskey = a bad person
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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