i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Slut skills are useful in every country.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
