we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Randomize
