I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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