There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
