I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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