I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Bang-toberfest begins!!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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